Why Your Teenager Is Not Fine

Parents bring teenagers to me after months of "I'm fine" and "nothing's wrong" — and then I spend a session with the kid and what emerges is something they have been carrying alone for a very long time. ## Why Teenagers Say They Are Fine Partly because they have not been given language for what they are experiencing. Partly because the emotional education they received was "don't burden people." Partly because they are in the developmental stage where separating from parents is the biological mandate — and asking for help feels like failure of that project. And partly because they genuinely do not know what "not fine" is supposed to look like. They have no comparison point. ## What to Actually Watch For Not what they say, but: - Sleep changes (sleeping far more, or not at all) - Withdrawal from things they used to care about - Irritability that exceeds normal teenage irritability in duration and intensity - Declining grades that are not explained by workload changes - Changes in friend group or sudden social isolation - Physical complaints — headaches, stomachaches — that have no medical explanation ## How to Open a Door Not "you seem depressed, are you depressed?" but "you seem like you're carrying something heavy lately. I'm not trying to get into it right now, just wanted you to know I notice." Then leave it. The most important thing a parent can do is not force the conversation in the moment but make sure the kid knows the door is open. Sometimes they come through it weeks later. Adolescents do not need parents to fix everything. They need to know there is one adult in their life who will not panic, minimize, or make it about themselves. Be that adult first.